The breeze, the blue house & the Life thereafter!

Books,

Pen,

Calculator,

Logarithm Tables,

My Naughty Guruvauyrappan,

A pinch of sacred ash, sandal paste, vermilion,

The black small radio,

My window and

the breeze!

My study-leave days at the small lone blue house at the banks of the green paddy and the gently flowing Chithrapuzha were largely stolen by the breeze flowed into my room; through the ever-open window and the reflection of paradise; a breath away from my eyes! I gazed through the window; day and night; to absorb the sun slowly spreading its wings. I kept my heart open; to melt into the green to quench the thirst of my eyes. I waited at my windowsill; to ask the breeze - where was she coming from; to open the closed doors of my heart; and to fill it with the chill of an unseen world - to fill my heart with dreams!

Dawns, dusks, sun, shadows, lamp-lit twilights - the timid flame, twilight-naamas with mom - the closed eyes - the buoyant mind, listening to Girija and her inspiring literature on my small radio and the dreams; efforts to write like her (ha; madness)! Late night studies, hovering around mom’s bed, scribbling thoughts, again back to the window, throwing eyes at the beautiful sky - the red sky, the blue sky, the black sky, the smiling sky, the happy sky, the angry sky; the layers of clouds and the ‘peeping silver glow’ – birth of another dawn! And somewhere between dreams and veracity; somewhere between the mind-numbing Laws, rejuvenating Accounting and satisfying Costing; somewhere between the night and dawn, when eyelid fall on the other; when my books yawn, I make bed for them – to sleep; kissing the bookmark bearing faces of gracious ‘Swamy Ayyappan’ and my naughty ‘Unnikannan’! When the dawn knocks at my closed eyes; I wake up; with a gleam in my eyes and a song on my lips!

Those days made me wander with books in my hand; sometimes in the lounge of the small house and sometimes in the yard; where mom’s kitchen vegetation grew for our daily food! I studied while talking to birds, listening to them, singing to the cuckoo; (and the surrender to her – ‘I can’t sing like you’ – lot more to study ..eh!!), chasing the butterflies, swaying in the swing; and chatting with mom - ‘the never asked questions’! And her irritation – ‘when study-leave comes he has a sack full of questions about the world?!’ ‘Oh sorry amma – this is the time I see myself… I see the nature around me; this is the time I see these bids… this is the time I talk to them.. and this is the time I spend with your growing vegetable plantlets and creepers... say amma….why is it so’?!

My eyes were always open during those days… and my heart too! I seldom slept.. but dreamt a lot (as always)!  While digging through the pages of heavy books that carried the smell of freshness, sleep flew away from my eyes! Oh past, (I love you) you gave me a sea full of wisdom and experience and…. a heaven full of memories; that I will never able to gather from any of my sedative books. I lived my life to the full during those days! At last, when the exams came, my panic eyes, touching mom’s feet and praying looking at her eyes! Oh God, you gave me courage and backing with all that I learned during those days. Nature… and my friends who sung for me sitting on the ‘Mahagony’ branch, the little lambs strayed in the paddy, the quack-quacking ducks marched along Chithrapuzha; all gave me support to face all those impossible exams! When my hands shivered at the hold of pen on the paper sitting in the examination hall, a breeze gently flew touching my ears, eyes, hair and my heart; taking away the drops of sweat those formed on my forehead and my brain!

Exams are over! Have to leave the small blue house! Never had this day; even in my nightmares! I couldn’t sleep that night; neither mom could! She knew that I was going to miss everything from the next dawn! She cuddled me; I could hear her sobbing! She’s sobbing for me! She’s praying for me! For my madness, for my sentiments! She’s crying for a boy who gives his heart away to anything that he comes across! She’s crying for her son - her mad son!

When mom locked the door of the blue house next evening, I stood with a heavy frozen mind; carrying my books and all its friends - pen, calculator, Logarithm Tables, my naughty Guruvauyrappan, the sacred ash, sandal paste, vermilion and the black small radio. I forgot about the breeze, the ducks, the birds, Chithrapuzha and the crying paddy! I forgot that there was a question remained unasked somewhere in the depths my heart; to the breeze! Mom did not either remind me about it! She believed; that her son would come back someday; to squeal at the east-sky; to yell at the paddy; and to scream at the chilled breeze – that I’m back!!

Glossary:               
Chithrapuzha: The canal that cuts the paddy into two pieces.
Guruvayurappan: Lord Krishna who lives in Vaikunth – my companion.
Swamy Ayyappan: Lord Ayyappa - deity at sacred Sabrimala in South India.
Unnikkannan: Lord Krishna